Reflections on the day

As I wake up this morning what sort of feelings am I having? I’m thinking about how many things can go wrong. What if it rains. Will my back hurt? I can control for some of these issues do something, many I cannot. The trick is to worry only about those things I can solve. Lack of dive may be due to an overwhelming sense of futility. I can’t seem to get it together. I ramble in my words and thoughts. I defeat myself before I even get started. I like to have rough outlines in my head of what I’m going to do but it seems like reality will not conform to my outlines. So why do I still feel these nee to plan like I do? I’m going to let it go a little. Let it flow.
Keeping my goals in mind I need to act in the moment. Finding balance is key. I’m going to the library to study for this statistics class. I’m hoping to read through chapter 9 and to do all of the homework exercises. I don’t expect to be able to get the paper done until this weekend. I will go to the bank to deposit the check from bill and that reminds me I should try to get some work from him this weekend end as well I need the money not to mention my need to actually do something. I can be so lazy sometimes. Maybe that because I’m scatterbrained and if I broke up my chores into smaller parts that are concrete I’ll actually do the things I need to do.

My depression is real but it’s not self loathing or at least not all self loathing. I hate my life not myself. I don’t like the fact that I’m overwight for instance, but I don’t hate my body I just need to change it. I don’t like the situation I’m in but I know that with time and effort I can change it.

I’ve been conflicted on whether or not I would write personal information in my blog. I tend to want to keep things to myself and I see no reason to publish everything to the world. On the other hand the blog serve the purpose of prompting me to write each day, something I’ve not done in a long while. So many thoughts pass through my head and I need to take time to process them into deeper longer lasting thoughts in order from them to be substantial. I think about this most often when listening to many of my audio books. Most of the time I listen to them for long periods of time without ever having written a single line down in order to remember it. Listening to it over and over again isn’t of much help either because over time I’ve learned to tune out the sound of the recording. I’m not saying I want to take detailed notes on what I read but at least a passing journal entry would be of help.


Then there are my life issues. First I lack the motivation to do just about anything long term. I want to get a better job and find a man. Getting a better job means getting my school work finished which mean applying for fanatical aid and getting back with vocational rehabilitation. Finding a man mean getting in shape and working on my social skills and ultimately moving out of Albany. These goals seem like things I should have done when I was 16 or at least started back then, but I’m almost 30 now and it seems embarrassing to admit that I haven’t had these goals in the past and that I’m getting such a late start to life. I lack a consistency that is necessary for follow-through on most of my goals. Right now I feel that moment of clarity, but later I know it will have gone away. So what can I do to improve my motivation? Writing this may be a start.